Alive
by Just Stay HIV Positive
Summary: Izaya is not good at dealing with emotions.


It is a beautiful day to be alive Izaya decides. He steps off the train, moving smoothly through the crowd of people. The sky is the perfect shade of blue he notes; the sun is warm and the slight breeze is fresh and sweet. Izaya grins and skips a little. A few people glance at him, but he is mostly ignored.

Izaya hums to himself as he climbs down from the railway platform, ignoring the handrails in favor of keeping his hands in his pockets. His hand brushes the polished steel handle of his switchblade as if to reassure himself it's within his grasp while he strolls through the center of Ikebukuro.

Izaya watches people walk down crowded sidewalks, moving briskly and purposefully. He watches them talking or texting on cell phones or chat with one another. None of them seem to fully appreciate the beauty of simply _being_. Izaya chuckles to himself, deciding he will appreciate the beauty of this day for all of them.

He checks his watch and nods. He still has plenty of time to wander. He continues walking down the sidewalk, simply experiencing this beautiful, perfect day. Izaya breathes deeply and decides that even the air seems cleaner and fresher today than normal. He inhales again, determined to catalogue the full experience of living in this wonderfully perfect day.

Izaya slows suddenly, noticing where his aimless walking apparently took him. He looks over at the high school and wonders absently if Mikado is in class today. Masaomi probably will be, he reasons, but Mikado likely took the day off. That Anri girl is probably with him too. His smile falters for the first time at the thought of the Saika girl. He really doesn't like the thought of her stealing away all of his humans.

His frown deepens as his eyes skim over the school, mind dredging up memories of people that-

Izaya shakes his head and forces himself to move on. Looking into the past only distracts him from fully experiencing this absurdly perfect day. He owes it to this day to witness it in full. He smiles and starts whistling cheerfully. He pays more attention to his direction now, heading for the heart of the city. Izaya can tell he's getting close when he hears a familiar voice.

"You come eat sushi, yes? Our sushi is good, it makes joy in your heart!"

Izaya nods to the large man wearing an even larger smile. He is trying, with little success to draw customers into the small sushi store behind him. "Simon," Izaya greets him.

"Oh! Izaya!" Simon's smile somehow grows, "you are here for sushi, yes?"

"Maybe later," Izaya says with a smile of his own.

"No good!" Simon shakes his head, "Sushi good. Cheer you up!"

Izaya chuckles in reply to that. "Who could need cheering up on a perfect day like today? It's the perfect day to be alive, isn't it?" He spreads his arms, hands still tucked in his pockets, and does a spin.

Simon's face changes to the serious face that Izaya dislikes and the large man switches to Russian. "Is it yourself that you are trying to fool? Because no one else will be fooled by that."

Izaya clicks his tongue and obliges with his own Russian. "I don't know what you're talking about, Simon." He shrugs and changes back to Japanese. "After all, the customer is always right. Isn't that right?"

Simon shakes his head again, more slowly this time but speaks in Japanese again. "You not buy sushi, you're not customer."

Izaya just grins and is about to reply when he spies a familiar head of hair moving through the crowd on the other side of the street. "I'll stop by later," he promises.

"Shouldn't you be going to-" Simon's smooth Russian is cut off by Izaya's own.

"Don't worry, I'm going," Izaya says as he gives the man a quick wave and ducks through the crowd of people after that familiar head of hair. He skids to a stop in front of the surprised looking man.

"Hello Tom-san," Izaya grins.

"Uh, hello Orihara-san…" Tom says hesitantly.

"Call me Izaya," he says waving his hand as if warding off any protest.

"Is there something I can do for you, Izaya-san?" Tom chuckles a little, running a hand through his dreadlocked hair "Ah, it feels rather strange to be able to hold a conversation with you."

"Mm," Izaya agrees, "I suppose this means Shizu-chan is otherwise occupied?"

"Yeah," Tom agrees, trying to edge around Izaya to continue walking. Izaya moves aside, gesturing a 'go ahead' motion with his hands. Tom does and adds "Shizuo asked for the day off today."

"Really?" Izaya asks conversationally, falling into step with Tom, "Huh, I would have expected Shizu-chan to be extra aggressive today."

"Yeah," Tom says quietly, "I would have thought so too, but he's been… well a little withdrawn. I was rather surprised when he didn't even try to blame-" Tom suddenly looks at Izaya warily as though remembering who he was talking to. "Ah, anyway, what was it that you wanted? Wait, shouldn't you also be-"

Izaya waves him off, "Just saying hello!" he says "and making sure it's safe to be here!" Izaya checks his watch again and decides he should get going. He likes to be early for his meetings. "It was nice talking to you Tom-san!" Tom looks confused and somewhat relieved when Izaya sprints off, weaving expertly through the crowd.

It is still a perfect day to be alive.

Still wonderfully, amazingly, disgustingly perfect.

No day should be this perfect.

Izaya turns down a quiet street, humming to himself again. He know the way to this meeting like the back of his hand even though he's never been to this location before. He takes a shortcut through a narrow alley and looks up at the squat unassuming apartment building in front of him. His hands unconsciously slip into his pockets again as he climbs the stairs and finds the right door.

Izaya tries the knob and is a little surprised to find it locked. The lock isn't complex, however and twenty seconds and a couple of hidden lock picks later sees Izaya slipping into the apartment.

He leaves the lights off, letting the natural light filtering through the kitchen curtains illuminate the room. He takes in the mismatched furniture, the table with only three chairs and the chipped dishes sitting next to the sink. Clicking his tongue he moves to sit on the sofa.

It's more comfortable than he would have expected, given its second or possibly even third-hand appearance.

It is a perfect day to be alive and Izaya wants to experience everything being alive has to offer.

He waits for nearly an hour.

Finally the sound of a key scraping the inside of a lock makes him perk up. The door opens slowly and the figure enters the room, switching on the lights and freezing when he sees Izaya.

Shizuo stands in the doorway, looking surprisingly tired. His shoulders are slumped and there are dark bags under bloodshot eyes. He is wearing a surprisingly well-tailored dark suit and tie and Izaya grudgingly admits the bodyguard cuts a sharp figure. Shizuo looks at Izaya for a moment as if wondering whether it was worth the energy to get angry.

Izaya grins.

That's all it takes.

"What the fuck are you doing here?!" Shizuo growls, closing the distance between them in swift strides. Izaya doesn't reply, only grinning wider as Shizuo lunges for him. He deftly sidesteps, heart thrumming in his chest.

This is what it is to be alive!

Izaya ducks another of Shizuo's attempts to knock his head clean off his shoulders, feeling electricity course through his veins. Nothing makes him feel alive like this! And if he's going to enjoy feeling alive, there is no better way.

He can feel a laugh work its way out from his chest, he can feel every muscle shaking in exhilaration. Adrenaline sharpens everything in a way that nothing else can.

He is alive.

Then Shizuo grabs him by the front of his shirt, hoisting him up until his feet no longer touch the ground. Izaya grins in a way that he suspects might be a little disconcerting for most people.

"Why. Are. You. Here?" Shizuo asks slowly, speaking through clenched teeth.

There is the very real possibility that Shizuo might kill him. The thought makes Izaya light-headed with ecstasy and he laughs again. Shizuo doesn't understand. He doesn't realize that the closer to death Izaya is, the more he appreciates what it is to be _alive._

"Were you here the whole time?" Shizuo asks, knuckles creaking as he clenches his hand even harder. Izaya just smiles and for a moment he thinks Shizuo is going to hit him.

Izaya hopes he does.

If he survives the punch it will make him feel even more alive.

"Is that really the question you want to ask me, Shizu-chan?" Izaya says, watching as Shizuo's face darkens another shade.

Shizuo asks the question that no one else will. He asks because he hates Izaya and doesn't care about social constructs like politeness. And that's what Izaya hates about him. He hates him so much his stomach clenches and his heart thunders.

"Were you responsible?"Shizuo says it quieter than anything Izaya has ever heard him say.

Izaya allows himself to think about the question.

He thinks of powerful men and the evidence used to blackmail them.

He thinks of dangerous threats and the consequences of having ignored them.

He thinks of a body lying face down and the cooling pool of blood surrounding it.

He thinks of the man willing to step in front of a knife for him and of his own cowardice to return the favor.

He thinks of the sound of a gun going off in a small space and of the somehow louder sound of a body crumpling to the floor.

"Yes, Shizu-chan, I was responsible." Izaya smiles.

Shizuo hits him then.

It's the perfect punch really, Izaya thinks. A sucker punch to the gut that makes all the colors and sounds of the room fade away for a brief moment. Considering Shizuo's tremendous strength, it's remarkably precise; strong enough to make him double over in pain but not enough to permanently damage anything. Probably.

"You-!" Shizuo can't even find the words. He shakes Izaya, whether on purpose or as a side effect from his trembling rage, Izaya isn't sure.

The world is starting to come back into focus now, still blurry at the edges from his watering eyes. Izaya is still curled up as best as he can with Shizuo holding him by his shirt. The pain and endorphins are racing through his system, making him feel wonderfully, horribly alive.

Alive when others are dead.

Alive to stand as a testament to those who had died.

The whole situation is absurd really and Izaya can feel another laugh bubbling in his chest. He lets it out in a breathy sound, still trying to catch his breath around the pain in his abdomen. As soon as the laugh escapes, others follow. The laughter spills out from him, making his shoulders shake and eyes water. Izaya doesn't think he's ever laughed this hard before which is strange because it's really not that funny.

He wishes Shizuo would punch him again to stop the laughter.

Izaya tries to goad him, "I-isn't it f-funny, Shizu-chan? I k-killed my best friend…"

The words aren't funny at all, yet Izaya finds the gasping laughter increasing, throat closing tightly and tears streaming down his cheeks.

Shizuo pulls him closer for a moment, then his eyes widen in surprise. He hesitates a moment then lets out a clear and concise: "Fuck."

Shizuo drops him to the ground and Izaya looks up in surprise, still trying to catch his breath.

"Fuck." Shizuo says again with feeling. "Only you would grieve by fucking manipulating me into beating the shit out of you for your guilty conscience."

"W-what?" Izaya asks from his crumpled position on the floor, wiping his face on his sleeve. Odd, his nose seems to be running too. He'd never laughed hard enough to make his sinuses run before.

"Celty told me you weren't responsible," Shizuo sighs, the fight seeming to go out of him. "I didn't believe her at the time, but…" Shizuo reaches into his suit and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He opens it, pauses and then surprisingly replaces it without removing any smokes.

Izaya staggers to his feet, still holding in the strange breathy laughter. He doesn't understand. There is a gnawing empty feeling in the pit of his stomach where the exhilaration had been earlier and he feels as though he might fall apart at any moment.

Perhaps Shizuo didn't hear him. Maybe he didn't understand what Izaya had said. "Shizu-chan, I killed my best friend." Izaya says more quietly than he means to. His eyes are watering again for some reason and he wishes Shizuo would just hit him.

"No you didn't," Shizuo sighs looking away. When Shizuo looks back his eyes are strangely wet. "Fuck, I wish you had so I could kill you. Maybe I would feel better."

"I did though," Izaya says almost desperately, moving closer to Shizuo and wishing, begging, for Shizuo to just _hit him._ Anything to feel alive again. He is falling apart. His body is shaking and he thinks he might actually be dying.

He needs to feel alive.

He needs to _live_ enough for both of them and that means doing everything to feel as alive as he can.

He needs it like he's never needed anything before. "I killed him," Izaya says, his breath catching in his throat, "so just hit me already."

Shizuo looks at him for a long moment, blinks rapidly a couple of times and moves forward. Izaya closes his eyes.

Finally.

"You fucking idiot." Shizuo mutters. And then Shizuo is embracing him and Izaya doesn't understand. He does know that his heart is thundering in his ears, his limbs have gone weak and he's shaking uncontrollably.

They can never go back to being enemies now. Shinra wanted them to be friends, but Izaya had known from the beginning friends would never have been enough. So he'd chosen enemies because it was easier.

He had lost a friend today.

And an enemy.

And Izaya falls apart, completely.

It was a beautiful day to be alive.

But Izaya had never felt more dead inside.


End file.
